Si Tenggang’s Homecoming

[This entry contains frustration and unstable emotion. Comments part are closed coz I don't wanna hear neither advice nor motivation. Parental guidance needed]

Crap. Life is crap. And it’s no fun.

Yeah, that’s what I’m feeling right now. For the last couple of weeks, I keep busting my ass and it seems like nothing happen. The load keep flowing and I just couldn’t catch up with the study. Yeah, right. Seems like everything is fine. And I just felt like crying, literally, this morning.

I got this stupid assignment. We’re supposed to do it in MatLab and hey, programming is my thing. But because I didn’t learn the topic in my undergraduate years, and the fact that it’s not just a method you can simply take and apply, which need some vivid imagination inside my flawed brain is driving me crazy. Due date is next two week, but I stressed out. That is ‘feeling stupid no 1′.

Then we learn some Green function for my Mathematical Modelling paper which the question goes like, ‘find the green function for this function’, and where’s the example from the lecture notes?? None, or maybe I’m too stupid and I couldn’t find it; I don’t know. And he’s gonna give us a test next week. Or maybe next two weeks. It doesn’t matter which weeks, 10 questions in the recent problem sets won’t be worked out in few minutes. I might take a day for a question. And what does he expect? We’re just taking his paper?

This life is currently craps! Been here from the morning. Going back late at night and just have few hours left before going to bed which is just enough to lay down and have some food. I feel like crying. Err… I am crying now.

I dunno. Maybe because I haven’t been tested this way before. I didn’t mind feeling stupid in history or geography back in school, coz I knew I am not into that subject. But feeling stupid in mathematics is really hard. Especially when seeing some other students keep interrupting the lecture and saying that they are understanding the things on the board, while I was just sitting on my chair, writing down those notes, pretending like understanding, in order to keep me strong, and so-called motivated, but it was so annoying when the truth is I feel so stupid.

I keep telling myself, that it is a fair game, coz those students had taken the introduction paper back in their undergrad years, but the fact that we’re not going to be marked based on that is driving me depressed and feeling restless.

I tried to convince myself, things will get better. But I don’t see it’s happening.

Yeah, I was so lucky in maths since I was a lil boy that I never face any challenge that is making me cry like a lil girl. This should be some character building to learn how does it feel to be in the bottom when I was in the top for quite a long time. I cried again. Sorry.

This is rough. I know that keep whining is not a good thing, but I just feel like throwing out.

I guess I am too emotional today. I should just be calm, I guess. You know what, recently I was thinking, it would be good if I am married these days. At least I don’t have to worry much about food, and the dirty laundry. Kak, get me someone so that I can get married as soon as I go back to Malaysia (that’s a shout of frustration!)