Si Tenggang’s Homecoming

My to-do list on the white board in my office:
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> Siapkan appeal letter
> Daftar GRE & TOEFLS
> Prepare tutorial MAT122
> Beli tiket bas ke KL
> Perbetulkan paper

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Yang digariskan maksudnya sudah disiapkan. Sekarang aku di rumah Merbok, esok balik USM balik, to-do list aku malam ini adalah seperti berikut:
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> Perbetul & hantar paper
> Print GRE & TOEFLS
> Check out uni USA
> Hantar email ke NZ lecturer
> Balas email Aussie
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Satu pun belum di cross out.
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Aku akan ke KL Rabu ini. Exam GRE (Graduate Record Exam), peperiksaan kemasukan universiti bagi peringkat ijazah tinggi ke Amerika, akan aku duduki pada hari Khamis. Kemudian Jumaat balik semula ke USM dengan Muzaini (x-SMKM, x-UIAM), InsyaAllah.
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Sekurang-kurangnya, walaupun banyak benda yang nak kena buat, tahap tekanan aku agak normal. Minggu lepas, aku sampai rasa sakit bahagian dada. High pressure kot. Aku memang tertekan juga minggu lepas. Pastu join bebudak USM training debat, dapat la aku salurkan tekanan tu ke debat.
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Aku tanya bebudak debat, korang nak gi sambut new year ke? Aku cakap, ’sejak zaman-zaman senior USM dulu (dari waktu Abang Shah), biasanya bebudak debat sambut new year dengan berdebat. Pastu pukul 12 tengah malam, buat-buat tak tahu jer’. Last-last kitorang decide untuk buat latihan debat malam sok. Bagus, bagus, aku suka lagi camtu.
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Hari Selasa,1hb dah plan ngan Kak Khalidah untuk study GRE. Wah, sambutan tahun baru yang penuh dengan aktiviti-aktiviti berfaedah (sarkastik).
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Oh, apsal aku amik GRE ek? Just nak expand sikit opportunity. It’s nearly a fact that USM won’t be sending their scholarship recipients to UK anymore, at least for the near future. So aku terpaksa la take a deep breath and accept the fact that I have to mula balik ALL OF THE PROCESS of admitting myself to a uni which consist of antar-antar email kat potential supervisor, isi-isi form online atau atas kertas, menebalkan muka lagi mintak lecturer jadi referee dan antar borang-borang berkenaan by post, ah, dan juga bayar application fee (untuk US jer).
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And yet, people say, ‘alah, pergi la negara lain pulak, amik pengalaman baru’. I think, ‘thanks for the motivation. I would love to do that’. And yes, I guess it is not a big problem:) [I am being sarcastic if you don't get me.]

[Gambar: Exactly how i feel. Diambil di Informat Dinner kat UMP waktu Debat Perpaduan]

Pening, pening. The pressure is really on. I am really in unstable state of mind. No Ali, you don’t have to worry. As far as I’m concern, I am still capable of keeping it cool. And yes, writing blog is one of the way to release the tense. Just so you know.
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I love to blame it to the society. Getting pressure from people around me asking about too many stuff whether it is related to my current issue - handling the PhD application process, or some totally unrelated topic such as marriage and stuff - I thought 23 is a young age to get married in our society, so why bother asking?
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But as I told Mirza (x-SMKM, x-KSAH), I know that I just feeling like blaming on people around me coz I can’t handle blaming my own self only. See Ali, this is my self-therapy - I know the problem, and I try to handle it - probably in a slightly weird way.

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The headache is just biting my neck.

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The story is pretty much simple. It has solutions but probably I feel this way because of time constrain. So, I probably won’t be able to go to UK. But there is a slight chance if I try to appeal. But at the same time, I still have to seek for opportunities in other places which means university and supervisor hunting. I sent to some lecturers and some replied and now it back to the point where I need to prepare a proposal which is gonna be different with the one I am supposed to do in UK. Oh, that’s not it. As I feel like trying for US as well, so I have to sit for GRE and TOEFLS. And yeah, I have to try submitting a paper to a local math conference which I have to make some corrections. And the tutorial start next week, and I need to get back to USM, squatting in friends room as I will get my own place on January 1st.

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Inhale.. exhale…

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Okay Ali, at this point, I feel much better, because I bring it all out open.

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I told her, ‘can I ask you to do me a favor… don’t give me any motivation or any sort of advice [while I tell her about my problems]‘. And I am amazed and surprised of how she is capable of doing that, as I think that my request really show her of how egoistic jerk I am.

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I know I should spend this time typing my appeal letter but I choose to just refresh my mind and keep it cool. I remember dad, couple of times reminded me of the highlighted verse below.

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Well.. if He promised it, who am I to doubt it..

[Screen captured: http://www.al-quran.org.uk/]

Baru nak masuk ke bilik aku di school math, aku tersedar yang kunci bilik dah hilang. Aku mengamati 2-3 kali, kalau-kalau aku pening sangat sampai tak perasan. Gugusan kunci yang mempunyai kunci kereta, kunci rumah, kunci bilik Zali (Debat USM) dan kunci office itu mungkin mengaburi mata aku. Tapi memang tak. Sah dah yang kunci tu dah hilang.

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Aku patah balik ke kereta. Gi solat dulu kat Masjid Al Khalid sambil kepala otak aku memikirkan kat mana kemungkinan kunci itu terjatuh.

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Tadi gi amik barang-barang Shila kat rumah Kak Mariani. Jatuh waktu tu ke? Aku backtrack perjalanan aku. Lepas solat, aku pergi check satu-satu.

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Mula-mula tempat parking dekat sebelah school bio. Patutnya kalau kunci tu nak jatuh, dia takkan jatuh kat pathway yang aku guna sebab kunci tu dalam poket. Secara teorinyalah.

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Takde kat parking sebelah school bio.

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Aku pergi ke kereta yang aku sedang parking di sebelah school math dan kimia. Juga tiada.

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Badan dah letih dah. Aku drive ke tempat parking kedai 24 jam. Kali ni aku tengok-tengok bawah kusyen kereta, kalau-kalau terjatuh di sana. Aku masuk dalam kedai 24 jam dan aku tanyakan pekedai. Tiada juga. Tadi (waktu dgn Shila) sebelum masuk, aku terhantukkan cermin pintu kedai ke kepala budak kecik (dalam 3-4 tahun). Mana aku tahu dia duk melekat kat pintu tu, dia nak push. Sekali aku pull, abis dia terbalik. Ni hilang kunci nih, balasan la kiranya.

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Sebelum gi flat kak mariani, aku gi makan kat Kafe Bakti, tapi takde nampak pun kunci kat tengah jalan.

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Aku tinggalkan no phone kat pekedai Kedai 24 jam, kalo dia terjumpa. Pastu aku drive ke depan school IK. Sebelum gi amik Shila tadi, aku gi amik borang pengesahan status pelajar untuk kak aku di Institut Pengajian Siswazah. Aku parking dan keluar. Aku tengok-tengok di atas tar tempat aku parking tadi. Dah takde kereta dah, semua orang dah balik. Kunci pun takde gak.

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Last-last aku jalan hala ke IPS. Tup tup, aku nampak kunci, elok dengan label no bilik atas tempat pejalan kaki depan IK. Allah jer la yang tahu betapa bersyukurnya aku pada ketika tu sebab susah jugak kalo kunci tu hilang.
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Aku masuk dalam kereta, aku sandarkan kepala ke kusyen.. letih sangat. Pastu aku balik ke office. Kepala dah tahan, terus aku tido atas kerusi dari kul 6 sampai ler 7 lebih…
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[Gambar: Sambil taip dan memilih gambar nak boh untuk post kali ni, aku ternampak gambar Chris dan Tahir. Ni waktu final day aku kat UK. Kitorang kuar 3 orang gi jalan-jalan. Uuh, I miss them...]

Aku baru jer dari luar. Bulan sedang penuh. Cerah jer alam di luar. Entah berapa lama aku tak merasai suasana bulan penuh, aku pun tak ingat. Mungkin kalau dalam beberapa bulan kebelakangan ni, aku berada di USM, bila bulan penuh, jadi tak perasan la. Bila di kampung ni, terasa la kelainannya.

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Oh, yang jadi terperasan tu sebab tetiba blackout kat rumah aku dan rumah-rumah sekelilingnya.

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Tetiba karen takde (karen k… ). Memula aku call TNB di 15454, katanya aku dalam queue ke 7. Aku letak dulu. Gi lepak jap ngan Muzaini yang sedang melepak kat rumah aku, aku mintak trade Riolu (Pokemon Pearl/Diamond).

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Pastu aku call TNB skali lagi.

Beginilah lebih kurang perbualan aku dengan operator

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Aku: Saya nak laporkan blackout.
Operator: Boleh beritahu saya kawasan mana?
Aku: Kedah, Merbok.
Operator: Boleh beri alamat rumah?
Aku: Alamat rumah? [sedikit bertangguh] Kg Baru Merbok, dekat kawasan Sekolah Menengah Merbok.
Operator: Oh, ini Ahmad Lutfi Amri ke?
Aku: [Sentap... ] Ah, ya.
Operator: Okey, saya buat laporan yer.
Aku: Terima kasih.

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Er… sebelum ni memang ler aku slalu buat laporan asal blackout tapi biasanya dia tanya no phone, baru ler dia conformkan yang aku ni Ahmad Lutfi. Nih, baru sebut kampung dah terus tanya. Kalo ader Biro Laporan-laporan Khas untuk JKK kampung, for sure bleh jadi nih (Ada tanjak, org Kedah kata):)

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[Gambar: Pokemon jenis elektrik yang takde kaitan dengan cerita. Dalam Pokemon Pearl aku, aku bagi nickname 'Shax', sekarang tengah Level 46]

My mind is all over the place. But to think how some people in Malaysia were celebrating Eid in quite a bad condition, I console myself to feel gratitude for what I had, although my current issue is not related to Eid in any way.

I’m wishing every Muslim who read my blog,
‘A very happy Eid Al Adha’
Guess it is not late to wish it as we can takbir for 4 days, instead of Eid Al Fitr which we can takbir just less than 24 hours, but still we celebrate the latter the merrier. How irony is that?

Back to my dragging-down emotion which should not be a bigger deal, as other people in the world are having problems of starvation, flood, health issues and all, which made me sound ungrateful for what I had; I am … how could I say that I am feeling bad, disappointed etc, when I am realising the fact that I ‘am’ in a better position than other people.

Keep your mouth shut up, Am. And deal with it!

I was telling myself, I am fine, I don’t mind landed on any part of the world besides some countries, for my PhD. But I guess my unconscious mind doesn’t agree with me. I was pretty sad. Probably a lil bit disappointed, and tired is exactly what I feel now. Seems like it is not worth for me to stay back in USM yesterday just to finish the forms. Well, that’s some sigh from me.

Aku pergi HR tadi. Baru nak antar borang, Puan Nina bagitau yang KPT sekarang ni memang tak bagi pergi UK. Sebabnya USM dah lebih kuota, itu aku tahu hari tu lagi. Aku tanya kali kedua untuk kepastian, Puan Nina bagitau yang memang tak akan dapat. Sebab waktu ari tu orang lain mintak, memang kena reject awal-awal lagi. So, tak dapat ler nak menapak semula ke UK untuk sambung belajar.

So, so long Durham. And let’s see where it’s gonna be next

[Pause]

Memula aku call Tahir (x-Brunel Uni), pastu Mahadi (x-USM, Dundee), pastu Abang Tra (x-USM, Bristol), pastu Tahir balik. Diorang sambut raya hari ni, awal sehari dari Malaysia. So, sambil2 mengucapkan salam AidilAdha, aku pun merengek-rengek la dekat diorang. ‘Abang Tra, nak gi mana ni??’, ‘Mahadi, hang nak pi mana lepas ni? Jom gi skali’. Aku membrainstorm tempat malam-malam raya ini.

Tengah-tengah taip, Dina (x-Brunel, Brunei) pulak menyapa. Terdistract la aku sekejap bila kitorang sembang fasal Amazing Race Asia. Pastu Ainor (x-UiTM, MSc USM) call. Kebetulan aku akan sit-in paper Master CAGD kat USM, paper yang dia amik gak, maka aku tanya la sama ada dia nak gi kelas Sabtu nih atau tidak.

Pastu Ainor membuka citer, fasal bebudak Master USM, junior-junior aku dulu yang sudah pun bergosip fasal aku. Diorang dah tahu la yang aku dah ada bilik sendiri kat school math. Siap cakap aku ‘berlagak’ lagi. Cis cis cis.

Maka dapat ler aku berehat sikit dari fikir fasal nak buat PhD kat mana…

It is a tiring day. Lapor diri kat school math, and I was given my own room with pc that can access ScienceDirect subscribed journal (I know it takes a nerd to be excited about this) and phone (I got my own extension! Another reason to be excited). Back home at around 9.00pm+ and now browsing the net - a necessity of the day like the air we breath (Yup, exaggeration for sure). I browsed my friend’s profile on Facebook, and found this thing. I think it’s funny. It’s sexist, and that’s probably why I think it’s funny;)
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I leave my own comment in bold blue colour
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1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If its up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.

[Not using western toilet, so dun care]
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1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

[Not for me]
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1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

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1. Crying is blackmail.

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1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints
do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just
say it!

[Very true!]
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1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

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1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

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1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.

See a doctor.

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1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

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1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

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1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

[Ha ha]
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1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.

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1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

[That's totally true for me!!]
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1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

[I'm not that bad]
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1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

We have no idea what Mauve is.

[Ha ha, reminds me of Maharuddin in The Mole USM]
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1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

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1. if we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing’, we will act like
nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

[Yup yup]
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1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

[Ha ha]
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1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

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1. Don’t ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics and Sex, Sport, or Cars.

[Er... nope. If I talk about sports, that will be how I hate it very much, and for cars - it would be how many years left before the debts is over]
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1. You have enough clothes.

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1. You have too many shoes.

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1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

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1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, its like
camping.

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Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education

[I hate FWD emails so, plz dun forward this thing!!]

Dah lama gak aku tak tengok movie kat cinema. Sejak balik ari tu, memang tak pergi lagi. Kalo kat UK, mampus ler tak pergi. Once in a blue moon. Mahal sangat (dengan minda aku yang menconvert currency).

So, dah takde apa-apa hari ni, aku ajak bebudak debat (yang gi perpaduan itu hari) - Pidin, Allim, Ika dan Diyana tengok citer. Bebudak IKIM baru balik ari ni, so tak join laa. Memula cadang nak tengok Golden Compass, alih-alih bebudak nih pakat-pakat nak tengok Chipmunks. Disebabkan suara majoriti aka aku taknak tengok sorang-sorang, maka aku pun masuk ler tengok Alvin and The Chipmunks.

Citer ni campur animasi 3D dengan real world. Macam citer Garfield tuh. Citernya fasal macammana Chipmunks2 nih - Alvin,
Simon (mengingatkan aku kat kawan aku Seimon kat UK lak) dan Theodore (suara Jesse Mccartney yang dihigh pitchkan) bertemu Dave, dan kemudian famous jadi penyanyi.

Kemudian, dah nama pun cerita, maka ada la konflik-konfliknya.

Secara overall, aku rasa cerita ni baik, dengan penyusunan cerita yang menarik, ada lawak dan sebagainya. Tapi cerita nih lebih family movie la, tidak mempunyai plot yang begitu berat.

Kalo korang suka tengok citer Garfield, atau yang tikus putih ape ke namanya tuh, maka bleh la enjoy tengok citer nih.

Cumanya, trailer Golden Compass sebelum filem ni bermula lebih menarik perhatian aku. Takpe2, minggu depan lak.

Prelude:

Previously on the topic
In Part 1 (Feb 07), it is the introduction of why I talk about this topic in English and how it all begun.
In Part 2 (Feb 07), it is about the search of so-called true love.
And in Part 3 (Mac 07), the discussion get a lil bit more complicated with reading between the lines.
And for this post - it’s all about inferiority complex!

And the content:

I was having some conversation with a friend (no name revealed for privacy). He goes telling some conflict, and when he wanted to describe about his gf, I interrupted ’she felt inferior?’. ‘Yup’. Ah ha, not so different after all.

It is quite a cliché issue. Due to some differences, usually in education level, some couple - married or not - are having problems when one of them feel inferior due to that. It is quite a regional issue as we can rarely see it in US TV Series such as in Desperate Housewives or Ugly Betty. But this is quite a big issue among the people feeling that way.

They go around their partner’s back, telling their friend how bad they feel for not having the same level achievement. Or they tell their partner how they feel undeserving for having their partner as their mate.

It goes in early stage of relationship, or it may become something that hinders the relationship. Some woman just afraid to further to postgraduate level, thinking that they will reduce the chance to find a potential husband, as some men do not want to have a wife who seems better than him. It is called as ‘ego-preservation’.

So?

The hardest thing is probably to convince the society, or your partner, that there should be nothing to worried about when one is having a higher level of education than another. Or female is having a higher salary than the male partner.

It is not easy to tell the one who feels inferior that he/she shouldn’t feel that way. But let’s just learn other people by looking at ourselves.

We are always someone who are good in a certain thing, and bad in the others.

He may be someone who can talk with confidence, lead the others, but he is the one who is very sensitive and paranoid.

She might be someone who are good in her study, but she is also someone who is not funny.

He may be some good looking stud, but he is so annoying no one can stands him.

She may be fat, but she is big in heart.

That is some surface point. Deep inside, some people who are good in what they do - studies, sports, debates etc, are the people we may feel inferior to be with. But they may just facing something bad that they have never considered themselves as lucky to be themselves.

Moral of the story: Don’t hassle your partner by feeling inferior when they never point out about that.

Dalam komen friendster, Emmy (x-BATI USM) dan Joanna (x-Law UIA) merujuk kepada status aku yang selalu busy. Status dalam YM la tuh.

Tergelak kecil aku ketika di UMP. Waktu aku check friendster sementara menunggu persediaan 30 minit budak-budak USM, Mahadi mem’parody’kan komen Emmy.

Wah Mahadi, banyak lak masa hang duk browse through komen-komen aku. Ahaks!

6.47 petang. Bersama secangkir kopi susu, aku menghadap laptop seperti biasa
(satu mug sebenarnya). Menaip-naip blog, sambil memastikan episod terbaru
Amazing Race sedang didownload, dan torrent berjalan seperti biasa. Status busy
masih lagi dibiarkan di Yahoo Web Messenger, cuba memberikan tanda yang aku
malas untuk bersembang dengan sesiapa, kecuali kalau ada berita-berita penting
seperti kekalahan USM di kuarter IKIM - Zakiah without H terus menyapa sebaik
sahaja aku online petang tadi; ataupun gosip-gosip panas dari rakan-rakan,
ataupun bila Mahadi (x-Fizik USM, Dundee) dan Abg Tra(x-debat USM, Bristol)
terasa hendak berbual. Mungkin aku beri sedikit pengecualian kepada kedua rakan
ini. Pertama, kerana aku agak attached dengan mereka, kedua kerana aku sudah
berada di tempat mereka dahulu, jauh terpisah dari rakan-rakan taulan dan
kedai-kedai mamak.

Susah nak memahamkan orang, yang kadangkala aku tidak terasa hendak berbual.
Mungkin busy menonton sesuatu. Mungkin sibuk melakukan sesuatu yang lain, tapi
laptop dibiarkan terbuka kerana sedang download. Semalam aku bersembang dengan
Ding (Fizik, USM), ketika balik dari debat. Dia juga tidak berminat bersembang
melalui online messenger.

Jadi, kesimpulan aku mudah. Jika orang lain itu seperti aku, yang chat hanya
bila rasa perlu, dia akan faham. Jika orang lain itu bukan seperti aku, yang
merasakan chat itu seperti juga bersembang dalam dunia sebenar, maka tidak
mampulah aku menunjukkan sebabnya kenapa YM aku selalu berstatus ‘busy’….