Si Tenggang’s Homecoming

I dun feel great. I feel fine. I am gratitude of what I get.
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Weeks before I knew I can go back again to UK, I told my mom.
‘I’m happy, mak. I’m living in heaven. I can enjoy the sunshine. I can go eat at mamak stall. I can hang around with my close friends. I can join debate and stuff.’, I was and am healthy, I am cherished with this and that, I have my own office. I couldn’t ask for more. I do not deserve to be choosy. I didn’t mind if I got to do my PhD in UK or any other place. I had been given too much by Allah and I am not sure if I do enough to deserve all of this. I have to repay it to the society. That’s what I keep telling myself, hopefully it will remains in me forever in the road of being a good person.
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Then, I was told that I can go to UK again. Grab the chance, that’s always me. But hearing of some people not having much luck with this scheme, does make me think - Oh, my God, I’ve been granted good things around me.
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I FEEL NERVOUS
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We are treated equally. That’s what I love to think. I’m nervous of receiving this (going to UK) coz it’s so easy (while other KPT Scholarship receiver can’t go to UK, I can..). I know, with this huge rewards, a huge challenge/test awaits for me. I pray to Allah that I will be stronger this time. I am nervous
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I FEEL GUILTY
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Probably I should be able to deviate myself, not thinking about this issue. But I had broke someone’s heart. I’ve made promises but I failed it. I am just an ordinary person. I am bound to make mistakes. But I dunno with this one. "Get over it!", my friend says. I can’t. It’s dragging me down every now and then. I just hope things are getting better, but at this moment, I am feeling a lil bit down.
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I FEEL FINE
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Writing is always the best cure for me. I feel much ease now that I am able to let the world know how do I feel at the moment. While people are cheering me up for my new future journey in Durham (thanks for all the wishes and support), I just wanna let you know that I am just a normal person, who is so vulnerable. Love me as a friend, coz I need the strength to face the world. Don’t love me for my so-called greatness coz I am not that great.
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{Uh, I sounded soooo unmotivated. He he}

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